I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I need to stop coming to work sober
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
