And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
