The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
