I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
