I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
