Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
