I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
it's great music for shaving your balls
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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