after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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