omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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