omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
now i know why i became what i already was.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Randomize
