I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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