If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
