The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
