you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
