By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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