at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
50% drunk capacity currently
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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