then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So. Much. Porn.
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