Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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