im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
