ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
