Me. At least after what I've been through.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
