Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
