is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
