if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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