If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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