apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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