Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
