OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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