textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Best friends brother. Beat that.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Randomize
