I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
