then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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