Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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