I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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