Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
