I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just gift wrapped bread.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
