Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
