is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
