a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
