I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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