i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
