her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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