i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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