a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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