I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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