No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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