I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
