You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Dear god my vagina.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
