Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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