Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
