watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
