I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
