Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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