Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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