Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
